its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
