i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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