i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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