Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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