So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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