I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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