proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
