The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
