why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My penis needs a shock collar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
