I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
God, I missed his penis.
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