Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
