at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
