Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
