She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize