I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
