You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
