he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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