After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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