I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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