yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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