I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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