There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
