Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
