i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
