he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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