That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
