How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
