Soap is not a condiment
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
