He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
