I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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