so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
