I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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