TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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