you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
