Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize