Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
