well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
