ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
