A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
