Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
