Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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