I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
