I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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