my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
this hospital has no fireball
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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