It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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