So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
