things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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