if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
