I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
