i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
you made out with another girl for some wings
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize