So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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