I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
