Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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