i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
