She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
