just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
PANTIES FOUND
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