My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
