Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
