I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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